“His ways are higher than our ways.” No truer words could possibly be spoken about the God of all creation and his creation – us.
We set goals, make plans, do preparations, and finally go after it. Is there anything wrong will all of these things? I say NO. The Bible speaks much of personal responsibility, setting goals, making plans, and not being slothful to work towards those same goals. God has placed in each of us desires and the ability to dream; and some of us can dream really BIG. Life can be so good, the taste of it so sweet, as we work towards those incredible dreams – a career, a business, a wife, a husband, a child, a ministry.
Then, on a day like any other day, it seems life slams us up against a wall with such sudden force that the wind is knocked out of us, and we are left with the disfiguring scars on our faces from the impact. Reeling from the shock and hurting from the pain, what do we do?
We all have one very important thing in common . . . humanity. We all hurt; we are all prone to agony, feeling sorry for ourselves, getting angry, getting bitter, holding grudges, resisting forgiveness. We do not all struggle with these things as a collective group; they are individual to each of us, our personalities, and our situations. We also share other common human traits; we love, we laugh, we live, we experience joy and ecstasy. Life is, at times, an odd mix of many emotions. I say, it is not what we experience that makes us but how we react to what we experience.
We all know that every man and woman will experience all these things, especially pain and even agony. Is it wrong to feel pain? Is it wrong to feel anger, unforgiveness, loneliness, bitterness? I would say from my knowledge of the Bible and the life of Jesus Christ as our superior example of God manifest in the flesh, no. However, there is a difference between feeling and decision. We feel love. When we no longer feel love, does that mean we no longer love? No. Our times and society have decayed to the point that we live based on what our feelings tell us. Jesus Christ himself experienced all the emotions we did, however, there was one large difference between all of us and Him. He was sinless. What is the difference? The difference is in how He handled it – how He lived, the choices He made.
This feeling of agony and pain – is there a purpose beyond our pain? Theologians, philosophers, and some of the greatest thinkers of our time have contemplated and written about that very subject; for pain is an inescapable constant of humanity. For this answer, I can only go back to what God has taught me through all the suffering I have endured in my short life span.
For the one who was abused and healed and lived again healthy and whole, there is experience and strength that is gained and can never be taken away. For the one whose body has been racked with horrific pain or disease and disability, for the one who has suffered the most poignant and painful loss of the person closest to them in life, these are experiences that change us forever. For the one who saw their life’s dreams crumble in their hand, YES, it will change you forever.
In my situation, my husband was racked with horrific pain and then great disease because of it. My son was born with many issues that seemed more than I could bear. My husband later was suddenly ripped from my life after a long road of me fulfilling both roles. I had been the one carrying the load of husband and wife because my husband was physically unable. Yes it all seemed more than I could bear and as if my mind might not make it through this particular point on many days. I sit here and write today, because I did make it and ONLY by the mercy and grace of God.
What did I gain through all this? Oh the list is so long, it would take volumes to hold it. Did I always deal with these feelings and emotions and situations correctly – absolutely NOT (as some of my closest friends and family might agree). Oh but I learned. God stripped me of all I was and all I wanted and gave me great compassion on the pains and plight of others. He gave me love for others, not based on their abilities or personality, but based on the fact that God created them. He gave me incredible strength – strength I could never have known if I had not struggled through the pain and strengthened all my emotional and mental muscles while just surviving.
As I walked through all my painful life experiences and tragedies, I was gaining strength and a story. I was gaining the ability to qualify as a comforter to the hurting and suffering, for I had hurt and suffered. Because of all these horrible experiences, I have just as recently as this week been able to say to someone else that I walked through all of this alone, so that you don’t have to walk through your situation alone. That is almost the greatest blessing in all of my pain – to know you are lending comfort, help and wisdom to someone who is suffering as you did.
As I said, that is almost the greatest blessing through all of my pain. The greatest blessing has been to be stripped of all I am and I wanted and I wished and I dreamed, so that there is little of me left. When all these things are taken away, that leaves a great empty space. When we are emptied of ourselves, He – the creator of all the universe and savior who died for us – can fill us up with Himself. He doesn’t take away so we can feel empty and hurting. For everything He takes, He gives so much more of Himself back. We just have to embrace the pain with the blessing – for the two cannot be separated.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged encouragement, grace, loss, new life, pain, unexpected tragedies |Leave a comment

I was always a good cook, but had, over the years, improved my skills (some out of necessity) to the point that some would say that I could make something out of nothing. Routinely, I would make my own pasta and bread. My twin sister and I had even learned to can and make cheese. I mixed up my own starch and starched my husband’s dress shirts; I even purchased a press with which to press my husband’s dress pants for a more professional look, for I had become sorely displeased with the results of professional cleaners. I was an excellent budget manager. I performed much of the maintenance of our home, much of the yard work, and even took a cake decorating class. I had become quite proud of my domestic skills.

Yes, I could and did work at a place of employment, but never really enjoyed it and often despised it. I so longed to go part-time instead of full-time and be able to keep my house properly clean and maybe volunteer some. Things – life – often do not work out as we planned, however. My husband was involved in a car accident that would – unknown at the time – alter our lives and destinies forever.

After the accident, I suddenly become pregnant in very much of an unplanned pregnancy. After a life altering injury of one’s husband would be far from what people would consider ideal circumstances into which you would bring a child. So, a year and a half after my husband’s accident and one month after his neck surgery, our son was born. In short order, we realized this child was not “typical” in some ways. Neck brace on my husband, baby carriage in my sister’s hands, we left the hospital for home.

Life continued, my husband’s health would prove, in time, to have been wrecked by that auto accident. He worked so hard to support his family in spite of it all; for he was a very honorable man. I slowly took on all the work around the house as well as on the house. My husband worked and slept due to his injuries, but still managed to be an extremely dedicated and involved father whose son came to adore him.

Our life would suddenly take on another dramatic change on August 12, 2011; I would become a widow and single mother of a special needs child. Suddenly, my house of 19 years no longer felt like a home, but rather, just the place we lived and slept. This new state was something I never fathomed, regardless of the prior warnings. I would grieve, I would adjust, and I would live again, somehow. I had to, for I knew that is what my adoring husband wanted me to do. He dreamed of better things for me and an easier life without all the unbearable and impossible strains that our life together had given us.

So here I stand on the precipice of my new life. Things have indeed changed drastically. Surprise, surprise . . . to me . . . I am writing a book about our amazing, terrifying, and absolutely miraculous 21 years together, and I am now blogging (such as it is currently and will be). I could have imagined many things just one year ago, but none of this was among all my imaginations!

I sometimes wonder if all those domestic accomplishments and skills gained were for naught, for there is no place for that in my life now. I have to believe that God leads us as He does for a reason, so all of this knowledge and experience is for a purpose. Only time and God will reveal what it is and how all this fits into my amazing future.

This all came at somewhat of an odd time. Our son turned 12 years old exactly two months after his father’s death, so I, as his mother, know that it is time for me to back away slightly, so as not to smother this up and coming young man. It is a delicate balance of comforting and guiding a grieving, hurting special needs son and continuing to be the parent, while not smothering him and his masculinity.

So I learn more every day, from my loving Heavenly Father, how to navigate this new territory I find myself in. He always has been and still remains so incredibly faithful! I look ahead, with a focus I have never had, toward a new goal and purpose with singular focus. Perhaps it is not new after all. Maybe it was there all along, but it had to be laid aside for a while during the very difficult years of God’s developing me into what He envisioned me to be.

God is opening the amazing beauties of His Word to me almost daily. He has drawn me into a walk with Him that I wondered if I could ever achieve. Now I know it is not my achievement at all, but His wooing and work in and through me. For all the miracles and sufferings will serve a great purpose in His plan for my future. I will patiently watch as He unfolds my path before me, lacing it with loving kindness and tender mercies, for the hands I held of suffering and sorrow have turned into grace and glory. . .because of and through Him. . .the one whom my soul loveth.